These 12 Transgender Americans Would Love You to Mind Your Own Business
to be trans in America today? What word describes
what it’s like to be trans
in America today?
America In Focus
These 12 Transgender Americans Would Love You to Mind Your Own Business
These 12 Transgender Americans Would Love You to Mind Your Own Business
These days, “transgender” has become a charged word, associated with arguments over identity, gender, pronouns, sports, puberty blockers and civil rights. But for many of the approximately 1.3 million transgender Americans today, the word isn’t a topic for debate; it’s who they are. And the questions and fights over being transgender often feel beside the point. Why are so many nontrans Americans judging and opining about trans adults and children rather than listening to them?
We spoke with 12 transgender Americans from across the country and the political spectrum to try to better understand what their lives are like. In the course of our conversation, it became clear that while our participants had some common experiences — 11 of them said they’d experienced discrimination or harassment as a consequence of their trans identity, several said they’d had fraught experiences choosing which restroom to use, and some knew they were trans at a very young age — no two trans experiences are exactly the same. Some participants had families supportive of who they are; others did not. There was no uniform perspective on when or whether children should be allowed to transition or on whether there was too much or not enough media coverage of trans issues (and whether that coverage was getting it right).
But fundamentally, all participants wanted basic respect — to be seen as people, not stereotypes or caricatures or a minority to be lectured to. “I think people might assume that I am unwilling to see our shared humanity,” said Forest, a 26-year-old in the group. “In reality, I’m actually trying really hard to see people who I disagree with as also human, just like me, who have positives and negatives, who have different experiences but who might still be able to change their minds and care about other people, too. I’m trying to.”
In a word, describe your biggest concern about the country.
Xenophobia.
Racism.
Chaos.
Divided.
I was also going to say “divided.”
Yikes.
Dangerous.
Tell me a little bit about words like “xenophobia,” “racism,” “division.”
There’s no middle ground. It’s conservative versus liberal, Christian versus non-Christian, Fox News or MSNBC, black or white. There’s not a spectrum anymore. We’re forced to choose a side in a lot of situations.
We’re using identity politics and racial politics against each other. There are no real ideas to bring us together. And if you look at the Biden administration, it’s a total disaster.
Black, brown and Indigenous folks are under attack. We continue to be put at the bottom of issues, especially Black trans women — right? — who are usually the ones who are most in dangerous situations.
Wyatt, what did you mean by “yikes”?
We’re in a bit of a mess in general. With the environment, it sometimes feels like we’re doomed.
behind us or happening now? Are America’s best days ahead of us, behind us or happening now?
For those of you who didn’t raise their hand, tell me a little bit about why not.
We have made some change, but when you think about it, we really haven’t.
I feel like we haven’t progressed enough as a society in order for me to say that we have best days ahead of us. It’s just a very slow progress.
The word “progress” doesn’t go with how I feel. I just feel like we’ve given people basic human rights. Have we actually progressed?
We’ll take a step forward, and they’ll take a step and a half back at the same time.
All of you said you identified as part of the transgender community. How does that word, “transgender,” feel to you? Do you prefer a different word to describe yourself?
I just go by “queer.”
I use lots of words. “Trans” definitely has a political resonance for me, in terms of the history of trans rights developing into a queer liberation movement crosscutting into antiracist movements, Black Power movements, queer Latinx, Chicanx in America.
I may use “transmasculine” if I’m trying to be more specific.
When did you realize you were trans?
I always pretty much knew. Since I was 5, I used to dress in my mom’s stuff. I tried to suppress it. I went in the Army, tried all the macho stuff. I said, “This ain’t right,” because I was brought up in a stricter time. One day, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I woke up and told my wife. She went ballistic. I thought maybe this is something we could work out together, and she didn’t want to. She said, “I don’t want to live with another woman.” And I said, “Well, this is what I want to do. I’m going to transition fully, and I plan to in the next five years.” Slow and steady. I’m still working on the voice and everything else, but I’m getting there. I got ridiculed and everything else from my neighbors and all this stuff. They hide themselves with their kids and stuff. I don’t think of myself as a threat to nobody, but they think I am. So I’m getting ready to move, trying to go someplace else.
Michelle, thank you for sharing that. I know these are very personal stories.
I came out as bisexual at first. Then I started seeing other trans people, and I had kind of a conflict. I wondered, “Am I attracted to these people, or do I want to be these people?” And then, wanting to transition, I asked myself, “Am I doing this because I want the privilege of passing as a man?” My partner was not supportive, interestingly enough, even though she was a very big L.G.B.T.Q. advocate where I lived. When I went for my first shot, she asked, “Should I say goodbye to this person now?” We broke up. But it wasn’t until I started immersing myself into the queer community that I really started to feel who I actually was. I think I knew for a while before, though, because I was in a pretty bad, deep depression for probably about three or four years before but I just couldn’t figure out why. Trans people were not a part of my life at that time.
I knew really early, as far back as I can remember. So 2, 3? People would ask me, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I’d say, “A man.” I just assumed that that’s what I would be when I grew up, that it was going to change. It didn’t. I made the best of it. When I was with my first girlfriend, in 11th grade, at 17, I told her I wanted to transition. Information wasn’t really available then. I guess that’s part of the reason why I don’t go by “transgender” unless I’m hanging out with my transgender friends or my transgender group, because it might be confusing to people. I still have long hair and such. I tried transitioning. I had my testosterone up in the 900s, and I said to my doctor, “When am I going to look other than prepubescent?” And he said I waited too long. Some people just can’t. So yeah, I won’t be able to. But yeah, I just — I always knew.
C.J. and Kayla and Michelle talked about those moments of first realizing and expressing identity. I’d love to know what word people would use to describe how you felt at the beginning of that journey.
I felt shame. My parents were really strict Roman Catholic. I was trying on my mom’s stuff, and basically that’s how it started.
Hollow.
Comfort.
Scared.
Confident and certain.
Angry that people were putting stuff on me that I didn’t want.
What kind of stuff?
Expectations, stereotypes. I just never really thought that male, female, woman, man were such clear distinctions.
I felt relieved.
Trepidation.
I’m going to have to say “confusion.”
Worried.
I felt invalidated by the people around me. I felt like they weren’t taking my transness seriously.
Joseph, you said “hollow,” and Amber, you said “relieved.”
When I first realized how different I felt compared to how I actually looked, there was an emptiness. I started feeling whole and complete when I actually first started hormone replacement therapy, and that’s where I first started actually seeing myself and seeing, “OK, I’m going to actually do this.” I’m going to be, and people were going to start realizing and recognizing it outwardly. I wouldn’t have to hide so much.
I was relieved because I think I’ve always known, even as a young child. I was always the jock, but I think pretty much everybody just knew. So it was just more of a release — a relief. I’m more comfortable now than I have ever been. I’ve gone through everybody else’s reasoning. I’ve gone through the confusion. This is who I am. You can’t fight it.
What do people assume about you that they get wrong?
I think a lot of people assume that I am extremely masculine. They look at my appearance, and they just automatically assume, which is not the case.
I feel like people romanticize a certain version of me like in their head. Maybe it’s because I mask a lot. I just feel very misunderstood by a lot of people. I’m that friend that’s always there for people. I wish people would respect me and my feelings more.
People assume that I’m stuck up and I’m full of myself and I’m just so confident, and actually it’s the total opposite. I’m very shy. I have insecurities. And kind of like how Phunky was saying, people expect me to be on all the time, be a psychologist, so they expect me to be their relationship therapist.
I get it. I understand.
I think people might assume that I am unwilling to see our shared humanity. I don’t shave my armpits, I have a mustache, and I have short hair — physical aspects of my appearance, which I think have been used as a tool by conservative media to paint people like me as, like, politically correct Nazis. In reality, I’m actually trying really hard to see people who I disagree with as also human, just like me, who have positives and negatives, who have different experiences but who might still be able to change their minds and care about other people, too. I’m trying to.
harassment because of your trans identity? Have you experienced discrimination or harassment because of your trans identity? 11 people raised their hands.
Is this something that happens frequently? Has it happened recently?
Just, like, dumb bathroom stuff. I’ve been harassed in the bathroom before for going to the “wrong” one. But what do you want me to do? Should I just go in between the bathrooms?
I pass as what society would consider a man. I’ve been to a bar in D.C. where the men’s bathroom just had urinals, and there was a long line for the women’s. I hate when I have to out myself just to relieve myself. I get so much anxiety. If I walk in and there’s not a stall or not a door on the stall, I pray someone doesn’t walk in. That’s where a lot of the harassment for myself happens. But that’s also in a way because I pass as what this world or society would consider a man.
I definitely agree. The times where I have been harassed, I’ve been trying to use the restroom. I’m on active-duty military. I’m in the Navy, so we all share a ship. To be politically correct, my sex marker hasn’t changed, so I have to shower and use the restroom that the females use, and that’s a bit of a challenge.
My friends and I are all very visibly queer. A lot of times I dress up very, very visibly queer, and people are constantly looking at me, constantly taking pictures of me, constantly making comments, you know?
as a trans person in your community? On a scale of 1 to 5, how safe do you feel as a trans person in your community?
I wish I could have said zero. I have actively been harassed, had graffiti and all that on my apartment, my lockers at work. I’ve been chased by pickup trucks when I was walking home at night and had beer bottles smashed up against my head just because of who I am.
Chanel, you were at a 1.
I think for me, it’s psychological. I am a Black trans woman. Knowing the amount of Black trans women who are murdered each year and me being at the age past which many trans women are not expected to live, it brings me a lot of fear. And I think it’s more fear of me just being Black in a very white cis society.
How many people say that they feel supported by their families of origin?
My family’s on board. They said it made sense. When I was a teenager, they wouldn’t let me shave my head when I wanted to. And then they were like, “We’re sorry we didn’t let you shave your head when you were a teenager — is this why you wanted to do that?” And yes, that was why.
Same. I wanted to shave my head when I was younger, couldn’t, but then they later found out, and it was an aha moment for them.
My mom doesn’t really acknowledge that I’m trans. She’s not supportive at all. My dad’s not really in my life. But my parents still deadname me and my trans friends. I try and correct them, but literally yesterday, my mom said, “I’m never going to understand that, so stop correcting me.” I’m never going to be supported.
I’m in a small town in the South, so kind of superconservative down here. Nobody knows I’m trans.
My mom and stepdad didn’t know how to place me if I couldn’t be within the binary. There’s a lot of pressure to transition so that they’d know what to tell other people, because they didn’t know how to deal with something outside of that. But I feel a lot more support now with growth in education and time.
If you had to choose one word for what it’s like being trans in America today, what word would you use?
Easier.
Difficult.
Difficult.
Hard.
Scared.
Difficult.
Visible.
I would have to agree with Michelle. I would say “easier.”
Misunderstood.
Dangerous.
Better.
In the last couple of years, do you think things are getting better or worse for trans Americans?
I’m comparing from the Trump administration to now, so I think the bar is low. There’s a little bit more openness from this administration.
So I live in New York, and there’s a lot of accessibility for being trans. A lot of surgeries can get covered with your insurance, and I feel like there’s a big queer community here, so it’s very easy to be accepted and to find trans friends and queer friends. And I feel like getting to things like H.R.T. is also really accessible here and it’s very easy to get covered. Mutual aid is really big here, too. Social media has made it very easy for trans people to get help. There’s things like Trans Santa, Trans Lifeline, where they have centers for trans people to call if they’re feeling down. I feel like there are a lot more resources than — I would say, I don’t know — in the ’90s.
I think that’s a tricky question, though, Patrick. Because like somebody mentioned, it got really dicey when Trump was in. And we still have some politicians acting like juveniles.
When it comes to the politics, I pretty much keep to myself. I’m more concerned with the finances. That’s what I do for a living. So I see the numbers, and it’s going to take a few years for the economy to roll back. I think that once that happens, things will definitely change for the better. When it comes to safety, I feel like I’m in a moderate to safe zone.
Joseph, could I ask you what you consider to be the biggest challenges facing transgender Americans today?
I don’t want to be a whole downer, but it almost feels like we’re losing the ground we’ve gained. We continue to get more acceptance and visibility. But when Roe v. Wade was taken away by the courts — I’m honestly terrified that they’re going to find a way to take even more away in some way.
What do people think is standing in the way of progress, of things getting better on issues facing transgender people?
Cis white men. That’s who makes up our government. That’s who’s there. That’s who’s making all these dumb decisions. They’re focusing on the wrong things as well, the whole anti-trans legislation across several states.
Kayla, what’s a specific example of a stupid decision — kind of a specific example — that you see?
The most dangerous, I think, was the one in Texas when they were reporting parents to C.P.S. for supporting their trans kid. Everyone on social media was like, “Well, why can’t they wait until 18?” And I kept having to say to people, “You want them to wait until 18, but the reality, actual, is that they may not actually make it to that age to have that freedom.” These kids actually have supportive parents, and now the state is trying to take that away from them?
right amount of news coverage around trans issues? Do you think there’s too much, not enough or the right amount of news coverage around trans issues?
Well, there’s too much negative coverage and not enough positive coverage.
Is there something that the news media is missing when it talks about trans issues?
They’re not reporting on the right things, or they report on something, and things just get completely twisted. Facts are wrong, deadnaming people. It’s just not actually information, I guess. Like they’re not actually spreading actual facts or actual news. I feel like a lot of it ends up supporting a lot of misconceptions about trans people. If anything decent comes out about trans people in the news, I’m surprised.
Is there anything about trans people you’ve seen over the last year or two in the papers, on the news, on the radio, on TikTok that you thought got it really wrong about trans people or that you felt was unfair or fearmongering?
Well, I’m very conservative. I did vote for Trump, OK, in 2016. The truth is that Republicans do care about equal rights for everybody. But a lot of people don’t believe that because they’ve been brainwashed by the media.
When you hear political debates over bathroom choice, trans athletes in high school sports, protections against discrimination, what goes through your mind?
I think it’s just sensationalized. It’s a trendy topic to be used as a divisive tool. It’s a sort of dog whistle that you can use to garner more votes and create more fear and more division.
I agree. I think that whenever we are not knowledgeable about something, we tend to be fearful of it. Fear rules the world.
Sometimes when I speak with groups of people who don’t consider themselves part of the transgender community, they say they are worried they might get in trouble if they say the wrong thing or use the wrong pronoun. What do you think when people say these things?
I would rather somebody actually make the effort to try and fail and be corrected at it and actually go, “OK, sorry,” and just move on. Put in the effort.
People say they’re worried about saying the wrong thing. I know that you’re worried. I can feel it. And I can’t make you understand. But if you try to see from my perspective, then I’m pretty sure your imagination will allow you to see from my perspective.
If you’re scared of saying the wrong thing, go educate yourself. And if you do say something wrong, don’t get defensive after. It’s not my job to then carry your feelings. Within my community, people know that I’m a person that they can come to if they want to talk or if they want more information. But not every trans person is that person. So don’t expect an education lesson.
Sometimes people say they support people identifying however they choose, but they don’t believe that federally funded health care should be required to cover medical transitioning. What would you want to say to people who have that position?
Why would you not want trans people to have health care? Why are we not of equal value to anyone else? I don’t get it. No one chose to be trans. People say things like that and then say, “I support trans people.” But no, you don’t. You don’t think I’m equal to you or the same as you. If you want me to die, just say that.
They just don’t understand.
I’m currently on hormones and wish my surgery was covered. For my own spiritual sanity, I would not be able to say anything to someone who doesn’t think the surgery should be covered. I would have to walk away. I just can’t be the convincer. Not right now.
As somebody who has had to pay for medical treatments out of my own pocket, including up to a couple hundred thousand dollars in cancer treatments, why the hell isn’t medical care of all sorts already covered? Why is it even a question at this point? It’s to help us live longer, to have better lives.
Well, I don’t want the government in the middle of my business. Yes, I’m taking money out of my pocket to pay for my care. I’m working and saving to do that, but I’m doing what I want to do. The government can’t run the country. Why would I trust them to run my health care?
How, if at all, do you think ideas around gender identity should be discussed and taught in schools — elementary school, junior high school, high school?
I think it should be taught early on because some kids may not be aware of how they’re feeling. It would have helped me if it had been taught early on.
Yeah. I mean there are lots of kids books that are totally appropriate that just talk about gender in a general way. “Red: A Crayon’s Story” is a good one. Don’t separate your class into boys over here and girls over here. That’s a small thing that teachers can do at any classroom age that can make it more comfortable for trans kids to be themselves.
Yeah, I think the sooner, the better. I taught elementary for 10 years, and it was something that I always tied into my lessons. I don’t think a lot of people recognize that racism, transphobic, homophobic thoughts are learned behaviors that are taught to young children from their parents.
I see where Chanel is coming from, but I also think that gender identity should not be taught prior to maybe high school. I just feel like the younger, the more impressionable. Not only will they be trying to figure out other things, aside from themselves, but adding in gender identity is just a bit too much for younger kids, I think.
Do you have any thoughts on the question of when young people with gender dysphoria should be allowed to begin transitioning?
I guess between the age of 13 and maybe 18, somewhere around there. It’s a confusing time, so I think that it starts with family first. They got to decide for their child. If their child comes up to them and says, “Look, something’s not right here,” then have a discussion with that child first. I really don’t think there’s any place for school here because, to me, it’s more of a personal medical issue, a political or social issue.
Family is going to be your main support. It’s going to be up to the family, the parents. And for the child —
Amber, sorry to interrupt, but how do you think parents should approach a young person or teenager who says they’re interested in transitioning?
Get your sources, get your information, get your education. I’m in my late 40s now. If I would have known about these groups much sooner, like when I was even in my — when I was coming out — I know I would have stepped up and taken those actions before I told my mom.
I don’t know how I feel about children medically transitioning at a young age. That’s based on their individual situation. There are things they could do that could help them affirm their gender, like changing their clothes or hairstyle or things like that, physical appearances. But if the child doesn’t have a supportive family, I feel like the school should have some type of peer counseling where these kids could be able to talk about this in a safe space because they’re not being provided with that at home. They should be able to talk about this somewhere, because it needs to be discussed, especially when you feel like no one’s supporting you and your family is invalidating you. There needs to be some type of resource.
Is there an age that’s too young?
As long as there’s nothing irreversible, as long as you can go back on it, your child should be able to transition. I see a lot of children that do transition at a young age, and they don’t detransition or start questioning their gender. But I do feel like it should be more of a one-on-one thing.
If I could have had the chance to actually transition or even just start H.R.T. from a younger age, I would have taken it and not had a second thought. Far too many kids are out there without information about transitioning, and some even consider taking their own lives because they get in a situation where they don’t have any support.
Joseph, do you think there is an age that’s too young for a young person to begin transitioning?
Exactly what Phunky said. I think it should be a very rare, case-by-case basis if they’re going to go ahead and actually do an irreversible change. If you’re talking about going on hormone blockers, especially for teenagers, that can help you buy time to eventually make a bigger decision yourself. But it’s also that gray area I get into: How much do we have to prove to make a decision for ourselves? Some states and some places make it a lot harder for us, so I don’t think there’s a clear-cut answer.
What would you say to parents who say they’re conflicted or uncomfortable with teenagers taking puberty blockers?
I’m 19. I feel like people should be able to have more responsibility, and I feel like it’s very important to affirm your child and your teenager. You don’t know what your child is going through. You don’t know what your teenager is going through. There’s so many trans people that would have loved to be on H.R.T. when they were a teen, would have loved to start their transition. And I feel like there’s not enough recognition around that. There’s not enough supportive parents around that, either, so I feel like they should be able to. There’s not enough cases of people detransitioning versus, like, people that wanted to transition earlier.
Why did you have a kid? Did you have a child so that you could model that child after you, or did you have a child so that you could bring a person into the world who is capable of and confident in making their own decisions? And are you willing to support them as they navigate that?
I believe if the child believes that they want to be that way, they should go to a psychiatrist, talk to counselors, maybe talk to someone in the trans community and everything else first before you even start that. Because once it starts, it’s a slippery slope.
As a parent, you’re responsible for that child until they’re 18, and the frontal lobe’s not developed until 24. That being said, I knew who I was my entire life. Being supported and being able to be who I was was great. I could have done it at 17 or 18, had I known how and had the resources. Then it wouldn’t have been the parent’s responsibility.
Let’s say we were doing a focus group with trans Americans 20 years from now. What do you think it’s going to be like?
Unfortunately, they will probably be talking about a lot of the same issues. I think until there’s more education, we might still be talking about bathrooms. We might still be talking about whether or not we have a right to health care protection.
I think we’re going to be looking back and saying, “Oh, we had this conversation 20 years ago. What’s changed?”
I don’t think it’s going to be different. I hope it is, but there’s too many conservative people and too many people who support them.
We’re really not talking about the true roots of why we have division and why this division continues to happen. We’re going in a circle.
I feel like things could kind of go either way, given how our country is. It’s bad, and it’s only going to get worse is kind of how I feel. But the more I get to know the generation that’s coming up — I’ve got faith in those kids.
My friends who have kids, their little friends came out gay in elementary school, and everybody was fine with it. So unless things keep going sideways politically, I think the younger people coming up — I just have hope, because I’ve seen all this growth in the gay and trans communities.
Is there anything that you would want to leave New York Times readers with, as just a final thought?
Trans people are just people. Not pedophiles and not perverts.
Stop trying to understand us. If you’re not trans, you never will. I feel like a lot of times, people are just trying to make sense of us in their head, and I need you to stop trying to make sense and just respect us as people. We’re human beings, and we’re just going to live our lives just like you are living your lives. Stop trying to understand and interject yourself and just listen.
Just love everybody and let everybody be who they want to be.
I have a quote up in my living room. It says, “I was a woman born with a male defect. After decades of pressure to live with it, I finally fixed it. So why are people so hung up on transitioning? It was a revelation. I didn’t become female. I’ve always been female.” We are who we are, and you don’t need to understand it. It’s not meant for you to understand. What you need to do is learn and just be quiet and listen.
I think we all have a right to self-determination and to self-actualization. The more we just respect each other and trust that we are doing what’s right for ourselves, I think it’s just a happier society and a more loving community that we can create.
Two words: I belong.
Just listen.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, and let’s stop the generational trauma. Let’s all listen and change.
Stop using us as political tools in your campaigns. Every four years, we’re being used. That’s where all the divisiveness and the hate and everything else comes from because they pawn us against everybody.
If we do not make the change that should occur in the world, the next generation is going to do it, and they are not going to be nearly as nice as we have been. So do it, or they are never going to forgive you.
You don’t know someone else’s personal truth better than they do, even if you’re their parent. So just let people make their own decisions.